instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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