I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
