I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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