someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
