Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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