Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
