Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
