I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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