I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
