Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
