I wanna passion pit in your ass
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
