Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
