Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
