just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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