I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Randomize
