Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
