Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
