I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
