dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
