oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
