There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
