if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
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I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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