ya dads aren't the best wingmen
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
