i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
