What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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