Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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