Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
