found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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