I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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