Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm just crazy horny about you
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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