1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Me too!
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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