I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
