I didn't shave. On purpose
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
