I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
