i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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