Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
