Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
