i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i dont even know how to be here
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
