the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
