he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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