He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
