I just threw up on my dentist
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i need some magic done to my vagina
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
