Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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