my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
