all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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