I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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