Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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