standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
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My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
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Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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