just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
be right there i have to get my cape
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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