you traded sex for a burrito?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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