Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
