I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
