Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
