You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Ketchup is God's man juice
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
