Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
