Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
