This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
