Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
