Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
