i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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