still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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