Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
