Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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