New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
